For 10 Minutes, I Was In Love. #IAMSORRY

Today, I went to the #IAMSORRY performance art that Shia LaBeouf was doing in Los Angeles.  I had read about it yesterday through a link someone posted on Facebook & was so impressed with how bizarre it was (and how close it was to me), I felt I HAD to go. When else are you going to get a chance to sit two feet in front of a celebrity & have the opportunity, one on one, to connect or go berserk on him? I got up at 6 am this morning, left at 7:15, & drove to Beverly Blvd.  It took about an hour and a half to get there, I parked, & was in line with about 10 other people.  I sat there, while putting my makeup on and watched as more and more people slowly trickled in. I listened to the conversations about why he could be doing it, how was he doing it, why were WE doing it. I chimed in, laughed, joked, and made friends around me with the others who were just as curious about this whole thing as I was. So many people in line, ahead of me, had already gone and seen him the previous days but were so befuddled by their experience that they had to return to either thank Shia or attempt to make some sense of it all. I would say there was more concern for his well being, overall, among those who were there, than anything else.

After some long hours (my back hurt, I had to pee, was annoyed by line cutters/spot savers, & I was starving), around 3:45 I finally got the okay to go in. The guard at the front of the gallery told me to go inside and speak to the woman at the table that had a series of props on it & that she would take me to Shia.  I walked in and placed on the table were a variety of objects: a Transformers figurine, a bottle of cologne, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a vase with flowers, a bowl of hateful tweets about LaBeouf, a bowl of Hershey Kisses, an Indiana Jones whip, a pink ukulele, etc etc. I picked some flowers out of the vase and followed the lady behind a curtain.  We walked along the corridor and she explained that it would just be me and Shia and there was no photography or video allowed (I didn't care). She pulled back the brown curtain and there he sat at a rickety, small brown table with the "I AM NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE" paper bag over his head.

I pulled out the chair and sat down. I looked at the eyes that peered back at me through the cut out holes, "Hi Shia" (silence) "I'm Jenn" (silence) "I waited almost 7 hours to see you and I really have to pee." (silence) At this point, I stopped thinking and just felt -- and because of this, the words poured out of me with so much sincerity and vulnerability that I started to cry. I told him I didn't know why I was crying but when I looked up, he was starting to tear up, too. I told him I didn't care what others had told him previously or what others would say after me. I didn't care if this was a publicity stunt or an actor trying to hone his craft. Because right there, right then, it was me and him. "This is just me and you and I may never see you again, but this is our moment. And in this moment, I love you because I know you feel how I feel right now." He started gasping in between more intense tears. You could see the pain in this person's eyes. My tears were streaming down my face and I asked him if he would take his bag off for me. He obliged by grabbing the bag with ferocity and throwing it the ground with such intensity that I was taken aback by it. He immediately grabbed my hand with both of his. We stared at each other, holding hands for a moment. "I thought about this a lot yesterday. About what I would tell you, but all I can think of telling you right now is that, to be human is to be flawed. Your humanity is beautiful and nothing else matters." He squeezed my hand tightly and with his thumb, caressed the top of my hand. It made me fall apart. I put my head down and started crying again & he took my hand with both of his and squeezed tightly.

 I looked up and told him I had something for him. He looked surprised. I opened one of my sketchbooks that I brought and pulled out the very first self portrait I did at the beginning of the hardest time in my life. I placed it before him and he looked down, with his mouth slightly ajar and just stared. The look on his face was as if I had just gifted him a Picasso painting. It made me feel amazing. I explained to him the things in the piece and he listened, never looking away from it. When he finally looked up, I said, "Now that I've shared tears with you, I want to share a smile with you". His face lit up. He gave me the biggest smile and I smiled my biggest smile back and we held hands again. We stared and smiled at each other for a minute or so. I then asked him if he would mind if I took a photo of our hands to remember our moment. (silence) I waited a moment to make sure it was okay and shaking, I took a photo of our hands atop of the piece I gifted to him. I pulled the phone back to get a photo of him and made a joke about how I call myself a photographer but because I was shaking and taking the photo with my left hand, I couldn't even manage to take a photo with my phone. It made him laugh, which is what I caught in the photo.

I set my phone down on the table & asked him softly if I could hug him. He bolted upwards and we embraced. It was the best hug I've had in.. I can't remember. It was the type of hug that every hug should be. His suit felt scratchy against me and he smelt slightly musky (sitting there for as long as he was, it was pretty understandable). He put his hand against the back of my head and pressed me into him more, gently stroking my hair. I did the same to him & softly said, "You are not alone. You are not alone. So many people understand what you're feeling." I pulled away and he sat down, grabbing my hand and putting it to his lips, kissing it. He kissed my hand hard and lovingly maybe.. 25-30 times, all the while looking me in the eyes. I smiled and touched his face and leaned down a bit. I told him I wanted him to go home tonight and look in the mirror and show that person in his reflection the same amount of love he showed me. Shia looked me in the eyes and put his hand on my chest, where my heart was; I put my hand over his hand. He stood up and he kissed my cheek, towards the corner of my mouth. We hugged again. I started to tear up again and told him I didn't want to go, but felt the people outside would kill me if I took longer than 10 minutes with him and I didn't want to be selfish and take more time. I gave him back the flowers and he sat back down. I bent down and picked up the Berlin bag and handed it to him. He smiled. He grabbed my hand again and kissed it again. I smiled and told him to remember what I said and that I would remember this for the rest of my life. And thank you. His eyes said so much and not once did he speak. I got the feeling he didn't want me to go -- in all honesty, I didn't want to either. He didn't let go of my hand til I turned and walked as far as he could hold it. I left.

My experience was one of a kind. Unmatched. And truly human. It was never "awkward" or "uncomfortable", like everyone says it is. It felt natural. Comfortable. And honest. I don't care what opinion people have of him or his career. I don't care what people think of this entire "performance art" he's doing. It doesn't matter if what he's "sorry" for is relevant or not. In those 10 minutes, I fell in love with someone I NEVER IN MY LIFE thought I would ever connect to. I can't stop thinking about what happened today. In all honesty, I'm still trying to process everything that happened in that short time together. It was raw, sad, loving, and above all, human. It was beautiful. I've read & heard a lot of experiences that others have shared with him, but I can't help think mine was truly unique. I am lucky to have shared this with such an extraordinary human being. And this warm, loving, unexpected, and real experience will be one I will remember for the rest of my life.

It's a Mad, Mad World.

Finally started watching "Mad Men". This happens to be Joan Holloway from the series played by Christina Hendricks (originally done for a friend). Wee! 60's! Drinks! Adultry! Smoking while pregnant!

A Real Human Being..

Seeing the film 'Drive' again made me want to do some fanart. I wanted to draw Ryan Gosling's character lankier for some reason. I'm content with how it came out. God, I love this film/soundtrack.

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My Old Soul.

No More Capacity.

I drank a bottle of wine by myself last night in a depressed state. This was the result. Yep. Might work on it some more in a now cohesive state. We'll see.


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Yep.

Pretty much.


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Homage To Childhood Cartoons

Just thought I would make a quick update. This is an ongoing art project of mine. Paying homage to some of my fav cartoons. More to come!

Daggit from "Angry Beavers"
Filbert from "Rocko's Modern Life"
Ickis from "Ahh! Real Monsters"





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A Lyrical Lady

I have been wanting to illustrate certain lyrics of various songs for quite sometime. The other day I put out a call for certain lyrics or quotes that others would like to see illustrated & got quite a few & with full intention of drawing them, I strayed. I strayed into a self portrait. I always find myself wanting to do self portraits just because I feel I am constantly changing, for better or for worse. It's as if each portrait I do is a different person. It's interesting to me to look at the ones from the past and remember where I was at each time. I have done 5 self portrait drawings/mixed medias to date & one self portrait photography photo that I am proud of. I'm sure there will be more of these till times smooth themselves over to a sensible wave but till then... here you go. In this case, I feel blank and my music defines me. Its there when no one else is. It wipes my tears and creates new ones. It is my lover, my friend, my enemy. It is my world. I wanted to fit a zillion more lyrics & I tried to be choosy with which ones I included but it was very difficult.


Songs & Artists: (Some are covers but this is the version I listened to when I included the lyrics into the piece.)

• I Wish That I / Cas Haley
• Who's That Lady? / Curtis Mayfield
• Rock Me Baby / B.B. King
• Heard It On The Radio / Hall & Oates
• Here We Go / Jon Brion
  
• Nobody But You / The Black Keys
• Nrrd Grrl / Werewolf Congress
• You're A Cad / The Bird & The Bee
• Sunday Best / Bobbie Gentry
• I Me Mine / The Beatles
  
• Reflections / Atmosphere
• Go / Common
• Silence / Kate Earl
• Sea Of Love / Cat Power
  
• Since I Left You / The Avalanches
• Ain't No Love In the Heart of the City / Bobby Blue Bland
• Waiting... / City and Colour
• Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger / Daft Punk
  
• Tombstone Blues / Bob Dylan
  
• Make Yourself / Incubus
  
• Nausea / Contagious
• Say Yes / Floetry
• Your Song / Elton John
• The People / Common
• Let's Dance / David Bowie
• Please Send Me Someone To Love / Fiona Apple
• People Are Strange / The Doors
• Summer Breeze / Jason Mraz
• By Any Rules / Jessie Baylin
• The Rain Song / Led Zeppelin
• Enjoy The Ride / Morcheeba
• Devil's Spoke / Laura Marling
  
• Don't Wanna Fall In Love / Jane Child
  
• Too High / Stevie Wonder
  
• Sunday Morning / The Velvet Underground
• DVNO / Justice
• I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire / The Ink Spots
• Kisses For The Misses / Richard Swift

More to come.

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Through the Glass Forest.

This one's for you, Nick. Thank you for always pushing me. :) Everyone else: I hope you enjoy! I haven't been on the photo scene lately & I do admit that these were rushed a bit but impulsive creativity can be a fun recreational thing to do. More to come, I promise. :D Thanks for your help, Jer!

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Updaaaaate

Basically, I don't have internet where I'm at so I haven't been able to post this but here are recent sketches I've done. Explanations to come later. Enjoy. :)





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Sometimes, the World Notices...

I have a story to tell. This is not a personal journal, this is an art journal, but it was such a significant experience in my life at the moment, I had to share.

I walked to the park by myself today. I brought a book I recently bought called, "Creative License: Giving Yourself Permission To Be The Artist You Are". It's one of the most brilliant and inspiring books that I've ever read. I sat in the park in the disgusting heat and just became absorbed in it. I read for about an hour and 25 minutes or so until I decided I should get something cool to drink. I walked to Starbucks, got a beverage, sat down and watched people for a bit. "Stop to learn, learn to stop", as the book says. After a bit, I got up and decided to go home. I walked a bit down the street, minding my own business when I saw this little old man approaching me. He must have been about 5'4 - 5'3, ethnic, gray hair peeking out from under a navy blue baseball cap, walked like a penguin, and was sporting a light blue and white striped t-shirt. I payed no attention, really. All of a sudden, he gently touched my arm and took me by serious surprise. I looked at him, probably in a very defensive manner, and he very kindly said,

"I can see the pain and sorrow in your eyes. Don't worry, it's ending soon. I promise."

And he went on his way without so much as even a second look. My heart was racing. I was so taken aback. I just stood there and stared. I was literally speechless. He left before I could muster anything out or even give a facial reaction beyond a gaping mouth or stunned look.

For that split second where he stared me in the eyes and said those words, I wanted to burst into tears & hug him with all that I was.

I wont ever forget him. Whoever you are... thank you.


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Etch a Postcard: "How I Dearly Wish I Was Not Here"

Foreword: I usually only post writings like this on my personal livejournal but I decided to share this on my art journal. I find it tragically inspiring.

Darling,

I am sitting at my desk. It is 5:16 PM. I am feeling a slight breeze push my hair aside and I am wearing my black robe. I can see wild strawberries growing outside my room. The way the sun lights up the plant life and trees outside puts me in a pleasantly calm state. Stevie Wonder sings to me about how he is too high. My mind is engulfed with thoughts of you. I catch myself staring at your photos for quite sometime. The joining of thoughts and emotional & physical longing is almost too much to bare at times. I try to subside these feelings with images of you or our music but... it just makes me miss you more and more. I remember the feeling I felt when I met you that Sunday night. I felt lonely. In every sense of the word. A stinging desire to connect with another human. A connection I have always wanted. I felt sad. I felt thrown aside. I felt alone. I felt overlooked. I felt... my heart felt... like crying.

You were more than I could have ever asked for. Wished for. Hoped for.

You're brilliant. I cannot lie, I am so taken with your lips. Your eyes. Your smile. Gah. It gets me every time. Meeting someone who matches you in countless aspects but differs in just as many qualities and tastes is incredible. Learning. Teaching. They are one in the same of exciting thoughts for me; I get giddy thinking about it, honestly. Music is my world. To be your equal in the appreciation of it and specifically it's jazz & old school genres is ...wow. I can't begin to explain how fucking good that feels. In fact, I don't have to. Because I know you understand that completely. And Christ, that feels even better, doesn't it? I remember not wanting to get ahead of myself when we first started talking but how could I not? It seems like things get better and better as time passes. A premonition of what's to come, no doubt.

May I tell you a secret?

I have been wanting to share my new life with someone worthwhile for so long. I have always been a curious and adventurous creature and truly hoped I could find another to match my thirst for life and love. And I see that in you, dearest. I hope talk like this doesn't put you off or make you uneasy like we are rushing things... I am not looking to rush anything, I am simply stating my happiness with the quality of your character and the compatibility we have found in one another. I am a lucky girl. You are one of a kind. The potential happiness to be experienced within the company of each other is immeasurable. And that... is amazing. To feel so scared to put yourself out there... yet, confident that you are being shielded from the worst the world has to offer by the best it has to offer.

I apologize if this letter seems as if I am rambling but I have to channel my longing for you somewhere. And my first choice of being with you immediately is unfortunately impossible. God, I miss you. There's no where in this ghastly & stunning world I would rather be than with you, swimming in the sounds of your piano playing & melting into your kisses. That's the truth.

Thank you for creating these feelings in me.

...and for making me ...and my heart... smile again. I adore you. You. You. You. <33333333


Love,

Jennifer

Elenaut

My friend Nick IMed me yesterday on AIM and told me he had a challenge for me. I eagerly listened and he proposed to me an idea of a drawing of an astronaut riding an elephant with balloons. I will admit that the idea was a little out there but he said he would love to see it bc it has never been done, thus I gladly obliged him. I asked him if there was a time limit on it and he said around the same time the very next day. So, I sat down today and this is what came out. I'm actually pleased with the elephant but not the astronaut so much. But, it cheered Nick up after a bad day, so what else is better than that? I also think the name is pretty cute. :)

Watercolors on watercolor paper 9x12.


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Bathtub

So I was taking a bath the other day, listening to music with my headphones on & was completely consumed with my thoughts. I was thinking about my current predicaments in love, life, and finances. The world, politics, the future. My worries were drowning me. In order to sort of release some of that, I decided to do this piece. I know it's impossible to see but the largest word underneath them all is the word LIFE backwards. Obviously to symbolize how backwards I feel my life is right now. Every word is relevant to me in some way. I did type out the list of the words I used in case anyone really was curious enough. If you are, lemme know, and I can indulge you. I really had no idea how to construct an aerial view of a bathtub so I'm a disappointed with that but it is what it is. Everything is packed right now so I didn't have a proper camera to photograph this or scan it (yes, I do have a scanner that I never used bc I was too lazy to unpack it) so camera phone photos will do. India inks & newspaper clippings on watercolor paper 9x12.

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Here We Go.

For you, you old so and so. Always.

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MOAR

So I'm just posting some more of the Friend Fotos I have done. Not like it's a lot... just two but I'm also posting the sketches before the colorings. I personally hate the colored versions and prefer the sketches.

I also included a collaboration piece between Toffer Surovec and myself. He's a fantastic writer & I'm illustrating some of his written lines. Check out his site: http://writethingsdown.com/

Two Friend Fotos are of Lori Hammer & Matthew Stoll. Two of the most beautiful creatures I have ever encountered. More to come soon. I feel a huge swell of art getting ready to spill out onto a canvas soon enough.

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Friend Fotos

It's been quite a few months since my last update and one has been looong overdue. I plan to do some free writing on my personal journal either today or tomorrow. Well, anyway, an update has been past due so I thought I'd share some of the things I've been up to. I honestly have felt most of my work has been shit, which is why I haven't posted anything but I recently started a new project worth sharing. I decided to start drawing a personal friend of mine every day, for more practice than anything really. I usually used more than one photo of the person as reference, (I HAD posted reference photos here just so you would have an idea of what the person is SUPPOSED to look like, but blogspot wasn't showing em :( I'll just have to do that on FB, I suppose) I still have a few to do but this is what I got so far:

First person I drew was Alicia:

Next was Nate:

Third was Suanny:

Fourth was Toffer:
Fifth was Nycole:
Next was Scott:
Seventh was Julia:
Eighth was Brandon:

So! There you have it. I could go into the details of each one, like Julia always wears quirky hats, Brandon is always wearing his grey hoodie, Nycole was one of the hardest to draw, Nate plays guitar but I just put the guitar there so I wouldn't have to finish his arm etc etc. But I wont bore you with the details ;) More to come soon!

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Big Sisters!

So, Bioshock is undoubtedly one of my fav games of all time. And with Bioshock 2's release, I, of course was in love all over again. If you've never played the first, I highly suggest you get to doing so. The art direction, design, art deco, music, details, era, game play, etc do it for me every time. I must have played the first (no joke) about 9 times or so. And you know what? I ALWAYS found something new in the game I never noticed or skipped past before. Now that the second is out, it has a multiplayer mode, new plasmids, & a deeper look into the world of Rapture. I loved everything the game had to offer, which is not always the case w/ sequels. I played through the Bioshock 2 once already and am still gunning for more. It took me a bit to warm up to the premise and the Big Sisters but now, the Big Sister is one of my fav video game characters. Her design is incredible. If there is a Bioshock 1 and/or 2 art design book... I need it. I decided to do a piece in inks of the Big Sister. It took about 15 min to do, it was just something fun & sketchy looking. I also included a past piece I did of a guy (who, yes, looks like Shaggy, although that wasn't my intent) running from a Big Daddy done in Photoshop about 2 and a half years ago. I think I might do some more fanart in the near future.. until then, I can't wait to play the game(s) again. :)

All Bioshock characters © 2K :)

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Heligoland

I haven't heard the whole album yet but I love the cover art so much! It's inspiring me to do a similar piece... we'll see :) Gosh... it's loooove!

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Success!

I have literally been tearing my hair out about this photo for almost 24 hours. No matter what I did, it wasn't coming together. What broke my heart the most was that it was supposed to be my "it" shot. I was just about to throw it out when one of my great photographer friends, Steve, showed me a technique and it completely worked! I LOVE YOU, STEVE! :D So there you go, just had to share. Also, I included the colored one in this post because it was taken exactly a year ago from this shoot. Same model. As I was told:

"you definitely stepped up, in terms of shooting locations"

Yerp. Dead trees own bathrooms. XD

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